The 8 Most Overlooked Technological Replacements of Recent History Feb 25, 20091:04 PST

by Chris Peters

Our world is constantly changing. It boggles the mind to think how different society is today compared to only a couple of decades ago. A cornucopic array of technological advancements have altered our daily lives to the point where we take things for granted that only a handful of years ago would have seemed impossible. The iPod is barely eight years old, the kindle approximately 18 months, and the bacon explosion a mere few months. The world changes fast, my friends. And when you don’t pay attention, in the blink of an eye, aspects of it can change and you might not even notice. Here’s a look at some of the most overlooked changes.

Encyclopedias

Not only were they huge, heavy and took up an entire bookshelf, but they sounded just horrible when you copied from them for a school report and tried to pass it off as your own work. Now, the unlimited amount of data available through the Internet allows for instant access to information on nearly any subject you could think of.

Remember Encarta? The encyclopedia that came as a set of discs bundled with nearly every desktop computer sold in the ‘90’s. Nowadays even the word “CD-Rom” is outdated.

Perhaps the worst casualty of the evolution of the encyclopedia has been the encyclopedia door-to-door salesman. How many children dreamed of one day peddling these chronicles of human achievement across the nation like some modern day bard? The open road, the lonely housewives, the wild nights. But now they are no more.

Identity Theft

It used to be that to steal someone’s identity you needed to first become their friend, maybe move in with them, start wearing similar clothes, adopt their mannerisms, hairstyles, accents. And then when you’ve gained their trust you snuff them out, hide the body, clean out their bank account, and move to the Bahamas.

Thankfully, identity theft today is a lot less creepy (but decidedly less rewarding). Just swipe some key information and that speedboat, Burberry coat, or Wild Game of the Month Club membership can all be yours, and on someone else’s tab. All it takes is some maliciously coded computer virus or unassuming fake webpage and any pimpled dork with enough time on his hands can steal every piece of digital identity you have. You don’t even have to toss anyone’s dog off a balcony!

Today, ruining lives has never been easier!

Bitching

Also known as griping, bellyaching, complaining, etc. Now anyone with a computer can piss and moan all they want about anything at all. And it’s all anonymous! Isn’t it a great world we live in?

If something pisses you off, blog about it. The waiter forgot to refill your coke? Give the restaurant one star on Yelp and make sure you cleverly put down the establishment in your description using snide remarks. That’ll show them.

It used to be that when the government did something to make you really angry you called up a few buddies, smashed some windows, lit a few fires and called it a day. Now you can banter back and forth with nameless, faceless entities on comment boards all over the Internet, because we all know that’s where the real work gets done.

Friendships

Who could have guessed that instead of forming meaningful bonds through conversations and time spent together you could instead become someone’s friend just by clicking a few buttons on a screen? Now any smelly, Cro-Magnon jerk can have thousands of “friends” without ever leaving his Mountain Dew-and-sweat-stained computer chair.

Social networking used to actually mean making an effort to meet people: socializing, throwing back a few cocktails with the boss, mingling at the Christmas party, handing out business cards at social functions. Now it’s about tagging photos of you and your drunk friends and scribbling all over someone’s wall”. And who could forget the status updates? My god, I love reading what people I kind of know are doing every second of their life.

When did the random minutiae of the life of some guy you barely knew in high school become so enthralling? And what kind of self-absorbed narcissist needs to constantly telegraph it to the world?

Okay, that may be a little cynical, but seriously, go outdoors.

Dating/Marriage

Not only has technology replaced how we make and keep in touch with our friends, it has also affected the most intimate of relationships.

Dating websites essentially replace about three months of dating and getting to know someone. Really, what else do you do on your first date but ask a bunch of nonsense questions as if you’re going through a questionnaire. Where do you work? What type of music do you like? Have you ever been convicted of a sexually deviant crime?

However, the biggest advance in personal relationships has arrived in the form of reality television. Dating isn’t about intimacy, attraction, or similar interests, it’s about competition. Survival of the fittest, natural selection, bitch! These fine specimens that have graced the tube on such socially significant shows as The Bachelor, Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire, Rock of Love, Flavor of Love, or any of the other train wrecks VH1 airs on a regular basis, make a mere mockery of the word “love” itself.

In a world where your life partner can be decided by a phone-in vote, marriage has become a joke. Today, more than half of all marriages either end in divorce or the suspicious disappearance of a spouse, or something like that. And there are still people out there who won’t let two dudes who are obviously in love get married. I want to change the constitution to ban reality dating/marriage shows. Now there’s a real way to protect the sanctity of marriage.

Pornography

Ah yes. The mark of an advanced society is not measured by the myths they tell, the icons they adore, or the foundation of their artistic achievements. It is measured by the depth of their pornography.

While the true depths of human depravity have been tested throughout history, only now is it available at any moment of the day to anyone at all. And the prime example of the sheer scope of how far technology has advanced pornography is witnessed in the earth shattering impact created by the unlikely pairing of two girls and only one cup. Simply earth shattering.

Scams

The Internet has turned more than a few unsuspecting folks into suckers. People who wouldn’t normally get fooled by a cheap scam in the real world can easily fall prey to a cyberspace huckster. You may think you’re helping a deposed African prince, as plausible as that may seem, but the fact of the matter is if someone walked up to you on the street and gave you the same spiel, you’d most likely laugh in their face.

And why would they come to you, of all people, for help? If they really are some sort of royalty, don’t you think they would have better connections than just randomly emailing you for help?

Blackmail’s also become easier than ever. The threat of disseminating incriminating photos and videos via the interweb has created more millionaires than we may ever know.

Today, you don’t even have to marry a widow or anything to make an ill-begotten fortune.

Hypochondria

Got a weird pain in your side? Google that shit!

With everyone’s job going down the tube, millions more will be joining the already swelling ranks of the uninsured in America, and more and more will be turning to the internet for advice. Just type in your question and the all-knowing, never incorrect Internet will poop out an answer for you (but I’ll save you time: It’s most likely cancer…cancer and AIDS).