The 7 Worst Infomercial Gifts For this Holiday Season Dec 19, 20083:43 PST

There are only a few shopping days left until Christmas, which means unless you brave the crowds very soon you will either have to mail-order everything or get stuck handing out your mall’s best leftovers. While online shopping has only been around for a few years, infomercials have been selling us the hottest new wares for decades. If you aren’t lucky enough to snatch up a Wii Fit this year, we suggest you take a second thought before you resort to any of the following products for your loved ones. Just remember, coal is cheap and plentiful at Home Depot–it speaks volumes better than a years’ supply of Extenze.

Secretary Rice testifies about Extenze’s effectiveness.

#7 The Flex-o-Ladder
Nothing says to your lover “I’m secretly trying to kill you” like a ladder that bends into any shape and doesn’t have a locking mechanism that a salesman can figure out. If you really want to be a Grinch, consider buying this for your next door neighbor with the ridiculous decorations. Better yet, if that neighbor is you, you can buy it for that couple across the street who always complains about your amazing work of art.

Great Business Advice After the Jump…

#6 Rejuvenique
If you and your mate can’t wait to get a jump on the 2009 remake of Friday the 13th (what, you hadn’t heard?), then Rejuvenique is the perfect gift for you. It should be available at a discount from Halloween surplus, and is perfect for scaring the crap out of your neighbors’ kids any time of year. Retro gamers can also wear this with a bathrobe and dress as a Shy Guy next Halloween.

#5 The Tiddy Bear
This is the perfect gift for your wife if you are the cheapest SOB on the planet. If you go that route, at least buy something useful like a bowling ball. This is a scenario where you actually may be better off settling for the mall’s leftovers.

#4 Extenze
Ladies, if your husband actually buys you a Tiddy Bear or that bowling ball, you have options as well. Then again, I doubt this is cheap or useful so this gift is really just mean.

Trust me. I’m a doctor who was paid to recite this script. I’m careful not to promise any results with this endorsement. You’ll just experience a bunch of adjectives that suggest it works.

#3 Advice from Miss Cleo
Call Miss Cleo and listen to one of her understudies predict your $200 phone bill as they take 45 minutes to tell you. Maybe you can pay extra for the Jah-fake-an accent herself. Cleo’s greatest cameo was in GTA Vice City, where her accent was allegedly Haitian. Whichever JaHaitian version you prefer, make sure to ask for advice on how to sell hype, because she’s credible with that.

#2 Telesteps Ladder
Frustrated because you bought the Flex-O-Ladder last year and your spouse still survived? The Telesteps Ladder is far more effective. This tool doesn’t have the gimmicky bending, so while it looks like a run-of-the-mill straight ladder, it’s actually built for use on the most slippery surfaces without the help of spotters. Make sure to use this compact tool while cleaning your gutters on the windiest possible day this spring.

#1 A Katana Sword
The only practical use for owning a Katana Sword that you didnt collect from a Japanese historian is to prove what every person older than 25 already knows: that Ninja Turtles could totally beat the crap out of Power Rangers. Careless tv salesmen can also demonstrate on themselves how well it works. At least buyers know they’re getting a product that delivers what it sells: